Ocean calling me

 

The ocean is unexpectedly calling me, this time stronger than before, been awake and losing weight. I can't stop think about the ocean calls, i can't ignore it. I already can see the ocean from my window, i can feel it even the breeze swing my hair lately. My lungs that miss the salty air.

The sounds of ocean that echoing in my head is getting louder than before.

what sign is this?

It's getting suffocating here.

The People

Me

Everything

But the fears is controlling my mind, i can't get up , i can't decide . 

I can't say yes nor no neither.

I am anxious

Is this what people have been mentioned before? Growing up but still having inner child inside?

i don't know

i am not a psychologist

I am just me and my wandering mind.

 

Bali, Last December

Alhamdulillah bisa lewatin pandemi, alhamdulillah juga masih diberikan rezeki, pekerjaan dan umur yang panjang. Walaupun banyak pergumulan batin, tears that have been held setahun belakangan ini, mengenai karir, diri sendiri, physically and mentally.

Ternyata aku bisa survive dan bisa melewatinya. 

Alhamdulillah dengan uang yang aku hasilkan sendiri aku bisa pergi liburan ke Bali. Entahlah walaupun ketika disana aku merasa hampa.

Merasa biasa saja padahal saat itu aku pergi berlibur, bertemu teman lama yang sudah gak ketemu 5 tahun lamanya. I feel awkward, writ and numb. Things surely changed. Pain and trauma numb my heart.

I decide to let go my one and only closest friend last December.
Allah juga nunjukin kalo ternyata memang aku harus bergantung hanya kepada Nya, la hawla wala quwata illa billah
"Tiada daya dan tiada kekuatan kecuali dengan pertolongan Allah semata".
Aku hanya makhluk lemah tanpa Allah. Satu saja nikmat yang diambil. I can't imagine it.

You are on your own kid, kayanya one of the song yang relate banget ini saat ini. Entah kenapa jadi tertantang kalo emang gue harus bisa ngelakuin apa apa sendiri. Harus berani harus berani setting boundaries and saying no.

Setelah Bali ternyata kepikiran untuk bisa nge explore Indonesia, dan terutama diri ini. Gak kepikiran awalnya jujur, bagi seorang introvert, diam dirumah seharian udah paling nyaman dan aman. But turns out ada moment ohhhh ternyata even numb, jadi Bali ternyata Indah juga ya, having an experience itu ternyata beda feeling nya dari pada cuma liat di instagram. I have memories to be stored. Disitu awal mulai kepikiran hidup ku selama ini flat banget and no color. Pengen bisa ngebangunin hati yang sudah mati rasa ini. So I decided, let's make more memory and experience. Jadi bisa ngisi ingatan dan mewarnai hidup aku yang no color. Padahal baru traveling sekali even feeling numb, I think the ocean is calling me. 

Let Things Happen

 

Kali ini nemu lagi buku notes yang gue buat saat gue masih SMA, sekitar after graduation tepatnya dan masih usaha banget mengejar impian dan cita cita gue dulu. Jujur langsung nangis banget how come a young girl have that strong ambition and the power of believing herself and so trusting her dream. Jujur teringat lagu Taylor Swift yang baitnya gini, How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22?

That's exactly how i feel ... i dunno pengen coba mewujudkan satu persatu mimpi gue yang gue tulis sendiri.

Funny karena gue gak tau mau ngapain aja setelah gue punya uang sendiri, ngerasa hidup ya gini gini aja.Padahal young me punya segudang impian yang ingin digapai dan dicoba. Oh ya this post ini sebenarnya yaaa mau nge share instagram gue yang baru yaitu gogirl.vibes yang  gue buat baru baru ini... Jadi ter inspirasi dari my own thoughts yang gue tulis sejak gue SMA dan mau ngewujud in ...

kalo kalian bingung mau ngapain aja mungkin bisa buka buka lagi diary kalian lagi yang dulu dulu penah kalian tulis.

Ini juga salah satu cara gue untuk curing my inner child, i don't know i hope this works. I had a massive failure once in my life that probably affecting my life up till now. So  i just want to show myself my young me that our dreams is actually working and happening even certain essential dream isn't working out but some things like the dot pattern are going there in different way somehow .. Scary and beautiful situation isn't it? So don't you ever feel small about you, feel like you're nothing... look up again your journey ..It was really something isn't it? Magical, beautiful and weird...

We used to designed our own path our own life we wanted to be well prepared and well planned but life is not going like that ... Then i remembered that a reel video of a young person said Oh Allah everything i planned seemed  not working out, so please do it for me.. I guess i am just in that phase of life .. 

Surrender , surviving and finding meaning and joy in life.

That's it. It's just as simple as that. Trusting Allah, Praying that one day that door would be open as wide as it can for me.

For me, only for me.

Now i just live to find the meaning, joy and make a habit.

Writing down things that i wanna do, skill i wanna learn, make a healthy habit, fighting my bad thoughts, ignoring people opinions, watching series that i love, playing with my cats, traveling as many as i can, saving as much as i can, earned money as much as i can.

Don't force thing to happen in your life because it's exhausting truly

The Sickness of Comparison

 

  Pict from pinterest https://pin.it/4ELeePm

In the era when i am no longer comparing myself with others and not listening what others think of me. Comparison is indeed the root of mental issues start with the depression. First you compare, then you want to be someone that you do not even know what they have been through in their life, your heart poisoned by envious. In order not to left behind you'll do anything, manipulative and toxic just to get what you fake temporary lust want.

Around 2 million Indonesian teenagers are suffering mental issues. They see their social media most of the time. Seeing only the surface of everyone's fairytale is a mistake. History will always  start from the deepest ocean burried under the sand. Not knowing the whole story but compare their book pages to another folklore. Sadly the grown man trash talking about the perfect life of their own version. I am sorry sir but that is in your own book. It seemed like you're older but never wiser. I listen and consider your feedback but please do not judge on how i write my own book. Because in every page is blessed steps from the heaven, and the rest we are just figuring out how , accept, and learn. 

That is a real life.

To all older siblings, cousins, parents, uncles, auntie, grandparents. There is no fix definitions of being perfect. Everyone born and bring their destiny. We have our own capacity and situation . Instead teach them manner , kindness and help them find their sparks. Guide them and support them. Teach them how to be strong and independent because the world sometimes can make us feel so small and lonely. Tell them thank you that you already worked so hard, teach them how to be gratitude in life.

Never make them feel smallest, beacause i do feel smallest in every family gatherings i have faced 

The Lonely Orca

Orca yang hidup terkurung dalam sebuah penangkaran cenderung memiliki sirip bengkok. 

Hidup dalam penangkaran ditempat yang kecil, dipaksa melakukan atraksi, diet yang buruk karena hanya makan makanan beku.

Berenang mengitari kolam yang sempit untuk waktu yang lama sampai kau tidak menyadari waktu telah berlalu dan tidak pernah kembali. 

Menipu diri dengan hiburan sesaat untuk melupakan kesedihan. 

Tapi tak pernah menyembuhkan hati dan pikiran. 

Hidup yang menyesakkan dan memuakkan. 

Memimpikan samudera biru yang luas menjadi rumah nya. 

Berenang sendirian di lautan asing pun tak mengapa, kan ku temukan kawanan ku sendiri di sepanjang jalan!

Kesulitan akan aku hadapi asalkan aku bisa hidup bahagia di samudera. 

Bebas.... 

Melakukan yang aku inginkan. Pergi sejauh yang aku inginkan. Hidup bahagia walaupun laut tidak selalu tenang. Walaupun laut tidak sepenuhnya aman. Menjadi predator puncak, bagi Orca liar laut juga berbahaya. Manusia sebagai the top predator juga memburu Paus.

Mereka bilang hidup harus disyukuri, Lihat sisi baiknya. Kesehatan dan hidup bukan kah anugerah? 

Bukan kah diriku hanya seekor Orca yang hidup di penangkaran dimana orang orang menjadi penonton dan juri seakan akan tau yang terbaik. 

Orca kuharap kau bisa terbebas dari kolam kecil itu. 

Hidden Gem in Banten

Healing time!! yaaass... So beberapa waktu lalu liburan ke Anyer yes, a short getaway dari kehdupan kantor, kemacetan Tangerang. But still not me kalo bukan low budget holiday yaaaa hehehehe.. I know know i have to spill right? So here are some photos that i took selama menginap one night bersama teman teman yaaa biar lebiih murceee bisa patungan so.... Cinde wulung bed and resto ini sensasi nya kaya di Ubud guys, vibes nyaaa... Pool nya juga nice, view nya hijau hijau buat mata segar dan pikiran pun segar yaaaa mereka include breakfast juga .. Gak perlu jauh jauh  cukup berkendara sekitar 2-3 jam dari Ibukota kalian bisa merasakan sensasi menginap di Ubud Bali... Wow sih Price 400k - 1300k bisa patungan sama teman klean udah pasti murcee sekaliii yaaa kaaaan. 

Do Not Let People Affect You

Dear Me,

 

I am scared of what's been happening lately. I am scared that i am not capable enough to do my job by myself. I am scared to handle more responsible that i cannot do it. I do not want to be a burden or be burdened by others. Do I deserve to accept the award from the company that I work for 3 years? Why am I the chosen one when the fact is I work in a team? My intuition told me this award will be a troublesome. She does not accept that I got the trophy. I feel bad about myself indeed, I feel like I don’t deserve it truly. I was like if you want that trophy that much, take mine then! That was I thinking.

I miserably thinking this for quite a while. She’s really mean, playing victim saying that she’s been working so hard but company doesn’t value her, she said unlike me she doesn’t close with anyone here so she doesn’t have any recommendation, never hang out with other colleagues and executives and because she’s following different religion than most of us here, she felt excluded.

I fell on her spell, believing that I am not good enough.

I believe that I am not worth it.

I believe I should not get it.

I believe there’s no competitiveness in friendship, but it turns out hell no.

Envy is poisonous…. It broke your heart deeply in root.

Hope your mean words would heal your foul heart.

Everyone knows it won’t heal.

It won’t heal.

Been in the same circle twice, called me naïve.

I am glad that I am not the one who’s having bane.

I thank myself that i am still kind yet strong. IDGAF is my new era now, putting on my poker face so they won’t see what’s coming is my new fashion. Red lips and black clothes are my favorite. Killin in silence is my plan. I won’t do anything except pray, so Universe does the works for me, karma is real. Because being good is never gone wrong. And you can’t change about it, you are not naïve. We are just good people that’s all. So when they’re starring their own mean scenarios again and again, just

 

Smile.